Carrie: A Comedy
by WrongorWrite
Summary: This is a comedy version of Carrie the remake, hope ya like!
1. Chapter 1

Due to a life of being bullied and ostracized by almost everyone that she's come into contact with during her short life, Carrie White has developed a 'cold' exterior that she has no problem showing to the world. She flat out doesn't like people and this is my take on how the 2013 remake would've played out.

Gym class is Carrie's least favorite time of day, but she copes by just staying to herself and trying to stay positive through this irritating process. The jocks brush by her and the girls say mean things about her behind her back. She can see them pointing at her and laughing…they have no idea what she's capable of and that she's doing them a favor by sparing their lives. Mrs. Desjardin blows her whistle almost directly in Carrie's ear and yells

"Pool time!"

Carrie's ears are ringing and she swears she'll go deaf as a result. She takes a deep breath and says,

"Mrs. Desjardin, can you please be more considerate the next time and blow the whistle away from everyone? Of course that's asking for too much, right?" Mrs. Desjardin gives Carrie an irritated glare.

"In the pool White, now!"

Chris Hargenson and Sue Snell are close to the net while Carrie decided to stay as far away from the action as she could get. Chris and Sue are both beautiful and popular, everything that Carrie despises in people but she's chosen to coexist…for now. The other team hits the ball and it lands near Carrie.

" _Damn"._

Carrie says to herself, hoping that one of these jackasses will get the ball and toss it in play.

"Come on, lets get Carrie into the game, you can't stand on the sidelines all of the time", Mrs. Desjardin barks.

Now Mrs. Desjardin was officially numero uno on Carrie's shit list. Carrie picks up the ball amidst the moral support by Chris to 'do it', 'serve it', which Carrie didn't need or want any moral support by the way, and purposely decides to 'serve it' right into the back of Sue Snell's blonde head. The girls thought it was funny and Sue takes it well for the most part, but the hilarity ends when Chris tells Carrie "You eat shit", and tosses the ball back at her.

Carrie's beginning to think that the loud whistle blow has in fact affected her hearing because Chris wouldn't dare say anything so disrespectful like that to her. Chris was known to be a jokester to her friends, but Carrie isn't one of her friends.

"What do I eat bitch?" Carrie emphatically says to Chris, who is surprised by the tone of Carrie's voice.

"Chill out White, I was just fucking with you."

Carrie gets directly in Chris's face.

"Say it again…I dare you."

Mrs. Desjardin blows her whistle.

"Ladies, separate, now!"

Sue leads Chris out of the pool, while Carrie cracks a sinister smile at her.

Once in the shower, Carrie feels it's time to decompress for a little bit. The warm water and soap running down her skin relaxes her, soothes her. Suddenly she sees…blood? It's all over her hands and she drops the soap in utter terror. She begins to panic, reaching out for help and she gets it, though not the kind that she wanted. Even though they had a minor exchange of words just minutes earlier, Chris recognizes Carrie is having her period and offers words of advice. "Plug it up", Chris tells her. Carrie refuses to listen, thinking that she's dying and continues to flip out. Seeing that Carrie is in distress and lacking tampons, the girls begin tossing them individually at her, making sure that she has plenty for the next time around but Carrie still can't control herself. Mrs. Desjardin finally arrives from wherever she was at and instead of counseling Carrie like a good teacher would, she physically assaults her with a hard smack across the face. The teen calms down but simultaneously wants to ground her gym teacher and classmates into bacon bits but, there's another time for that.

The ride home from school is quiet between Carrie and her mother Margaret, who many consider a crazy religious zealot, emphasis on crazy. "Mom, why didn't you tell me? They all laughed at me and threw things at me, you know until today the only period I ever heard of was the one you put at the end of a sentence." Margaret parks the car in front of their small light blue house. "We'll talk about it inside Carrie." Margaret begins to walk in the house. "Nah, I don't want to go inside with you." Margaret gives her a sad look and goes inside. Carrie shrugs her shoulders and reaches into her pocket, pulling out a doobie. She lights it and takes a hit…ah, euphoria. Out of nowhere some punk kid attempts to ruin her high by hitting the car window and saying "Crazy Carrie, Crazy Carrie!" Showtime, with a small twitch of her head the little punk flies off of his bike and lands on the grass. He limps towards his bike. "Next time I'll break your leg you little punk!" Carrie yells, the boy riding away as he almost pisses himself.

Once Carrie finishes smoking she goes into the house, on her own terms. She hears a thud coming from upstairs and goes to investigate. Margaret is bumping her head hard against the wall, attempting to get Carrie's sympathy. Carrie smiles widely and sits down on the floor. "You should've told me you were putting on a show mom; I would've made some popcorn." Margaret stops and stares at Carrie. She begins to rattle off some nonsense that Carrie doesn't understand or is not even in the bible. "You showered with those other girls, you had lust filled thoughts." Carrie nods. "Hell yeah I did, don't fight the flesh mom." Mom hits her in the face with the bible for sassing her and they continue the argument downstairs. Margaret opens the closet door. "Go in to your closet." Carrie's eyes widen in surprise. She's going to make her go in to a closet? "Hold the phone Margaret, I have the powers and you have…" Margaret doesn't answer. "Exactly so that means I'm in charge here and I'm not going in or coming out of any closet but you are." Carrie simply points at Margaret, who goes flying into the closet. Carrie swipes her hand to the left, closing the door and locking it. She stretches her arms in the air.

"Freedom!" Margaret is banging on the closet door. "Oh stop it, you'll be fine, I've been in there before. Guess what mother, I'm going out on the town, by myself and I'll be back whenever. Until then, I'm blasting the rap channel because we all need variety in our lives, happy listening." Carrie clicks on the TV to the rap channel and makes the volume go to ear splitting levels before leaving the house.

Driving down the street, Carrie takes in the sights of the city. It's not filled huge towers or historic landmarks but the simplicity is enough for her. Besides, Carrie didn't need those types of things to have fun, what she had in mind will definitely suffice. She parks the car down the street from none other than Chris Hargenson's house and waits. The lights are on so someone is probably is home, which makes this all the better. Carrie grins as a car is coming down the street. She clinches her fist and the car comes to an abrupt halt. She motions her fist towards the direction of Chris's house and the car begins to slowly move in that direction. She opens her fist, sending the car crashing into the house, destroying a huge part of the front exterior.

"Yes!" Carrie drives away from the house in a euphoric mood.

The next day an exhausted Chris has to endure Mrs. Desjardin chewing them out over their 'mistreatment' of Carrie, she even cursed at them. She threatened them with the notion that if they didn't complete suicides that they would be banned from prom. Chris tries to explain that her family had to move to a hotel due to the accident last night and how she dragged herself to school on two hours sleep but Mrs. Desjardin doesn't care. She makes them do the suicide drills. What happens next is one of the reasons that the teachers didn't care for Chris too much and she was deemed a 'problem kid' because she asked why, this case was no different. Since Chris was clearly the most intelligent student in the school and had the highest GPA at a whopping 2.5, she decides to challenge Mrs. Desjardin's word and informs the rest of the sheep…I mean kids, that she couldn't just ban them from prom; she was the freaking gym teacher!

"Tina, you have a heart condition!" Chris did her best to plead with the other students why they shouldn't be doing this and ban together, but they were so afraid of Mrs. Desjardin's tyranny that they folded and did as they were told. True, Chris did use foul language towards the teacher, but what kind of mood would you be in if someone crashed into your house?


	2. Chapter 2

Later on that day Carrie is sitting in the cafeteria reading a book about telekinesis in an attempt to enhance her powers of destruction when Tommy Ross approaches her. "Hey Carrie." He sits down across from her with a creepy smile. She doesn't know why he's there and doesn't care, she just wants him gone. Without asking he picks up Carrie's book. "Telekinesis?" Annoyed, Carrie snatches it from him. "No, no, no, is that like hypnosis? We actually tried that and we hypnotized my boys' dog." Tommy laughs while Carrie can only look at him like he's an idiot. "Um, Tommy is it? Yeah, I'm going to have to ask you to leave because I was busy doing something." "Oh, ok but first you know prom is next week." "Really? I thought it was next month." Carrie says sarcastically. "Nope, next week. Anyway I was wondering would you like to go with me." Carrie is caught off guard by the request. "What?" "Prom bitch, next week." "Aren't you with Sue Snell?" "I'm not with anyone, see I'm something like a pimp so I got plenty of bitches in the stable ya heard?" "Yeah, I think I'm going to pass guy." "Oh come on baby, you'll get to see why they call me ten inch Tommy." "Hah, more like two inch Tommy. I'm out and if you so much as look in my direction again I'll kill you." Carrie leaves the cafeteria. Who in the hell did he think he was?

Carrie had no issues with any jerks the rest of the day until that is she was walking home. To her horror Tommy Ross steps out of his car and begins to walk towards her house. "Really?" She jogs towards him. "What in the hell are you doing here?" "About the prom, you kind of left me hanging." "Um, no I didn't. I said no. Why don't you go with Sue?" "Ah, she doesn't want to go and besides, you have more junk in the trunk than her and I kind of wanted to clean it out for you if you know what I mean." "Ew, look dude, I'm going to crush you like a bug if you don't get out of here." "Ok, ok, you're going to force me to pull it out and show you what I'm working with." Tommy unzips his pants. "Damn it, alright I'll go. Can you just go home now?" "I get you, you want to wait to see the monster behind closed doors, that'll work." "Whatever, just prepare to spend a lot of money because I have real expensive tastes."

Tommy hears the music playing from the house and an odd expression crosses his face. "Are you playing Tupac in there?"

After finally getting rid of Tommy, Carrie goes into the house and turns off the music, which indeed was Tupac. She walks up to the closet door. "Hey mom, I'm back. Listen, I got invited to prom! His name is Tommy, he has a girlfriend and he claims he has many more. He's not a nice guy but whatever, I just want to win prom queen and shove it in the face of the bitches that laugh at me all of the time. So, with that, I'll be using your credit card to buy some whore dresses because I plan to have sex with him so I have to look the part. Thanks mom, love ya."

Meanwhile Chris, Billy and his friends pull up to a pig farm. Billy pops his trunk and begins to take out some tools. Chris is looking uneasy about the whole situation. "What are we doing, and what does this have to do with Carrie White?" Billy is exasperated by the question. "First of all, why does everyone keep saying her first and last name, she's the only Carrie in the whole damn school, geez! Second, you said you wanted us to do something about it, and third, neither I, you or my friends have any semblance of a fucking life so there ya go!" Just to get out of the situation Chris picks out a pig for Billy to blast with a sledgehammer and afterwards forces Chris to slash it open. Chris felt that if she didn't follow Billy's orders that she'd end up like the pig.

The day after the great pig massacre Sue is in the gymnasium setting up for the prom, the one that she's not going to by the way, when suddenly her stomach begins to rumble. She sprints to the bathroom faster than Usain Bolt and hurls in the toilet. Must've been that Mexican food her mother made last night, her mother isn't a good cook.

Of course Carrie is aloof to the potential disaster about to hit her, she's too busy strutting her whore dress in front of her mother, who she has finally let out of the closet. Her mother stares at her with pure disgust until Carrie catches her, then she promptly loses eye contact. "Fix your face mother." "Sorry Carrie."

Across town Tina, Heather, Nicki and Lizzy are getting are doled up for the prom. Of course girls love to gossip so they discuss how their former friend Sue isn't looking like America's top model nowadays. "Did you guys see Sue today?" "Yeah, I told you she was a meth head." Tommy and his boys however are pissing off everyone in the department store by trying on every suit imaginable. He's all about the bright colors but couldn't find anything to his liking in this store, but he did find a pair of gold shoes that's somewhat pimp like so he went with that and a white tux.

Carrie is checking out herself one last time when annoying mom walks in. "I can see your dirty pillows, everyone can." Carrie smiles widely. "Thanks mom! That's the nicest thing you said to me in years." Tommy knocks on the door. "Ok mom, it's showtime so I'm out." "I'm going to tell him everything, about how your father took me and…" Carrie uses her powers to put her mother back in the closet. "Shut…up." Carrie walks outside to find Tommy on her front porch looking sharply dressed. "Hey, do I look ok?" Tommy checks her over and nods. "You're a solid six, got on way too much makeup bitch you look like a mime." "Whatever, what three year old picked out the colors for your suit." They arrive at the prom in Tommy's pimped out limo when he notices something wrong. "Are you fucking serious?" He snatches Carrie's corsage off.

"This shit goes on your wrist girl." He slips it on her wrist. "Look, just shut the fuck up when we get in there and don't do anything to embarrass me alright."

They enter the prom and everything is going well. Carrie successfully spikes the punch and even does a drunken dance with Tommy, even falling on the floor a few times. Finally it's time to announce the prom king and queen. "Tommy Ross and Carrie White" Carrie rushes to the stage and snatches the flower from the presenter. She blows kisses to the crowd. "Thank you, thank you! This definitely proves that I'm better than all of you" Tommy shakes his head and joins her on stage. "You ego trippin' straight up". Carrie continues to celebrate when all of a sudden….pigs blood is dropped on her from up above. She slowly looks up to see the comedienne Chris laughing hysterically. "Gotcha"! Chris cackles. She runs down and gets close to Carrie. "Come on, come on, that was the funniest shit that happened tonight Carrie, you got to admit it." Carrie puts on a fake smile and adds a laugh to it. "Oh yeah, you're…you're a funny chick Chris, always bringing the chuckles."

"Glad you took it so well, a lot of poor sports around here. Hey, congrats on getting prom queen, you deserve it". Chris skips away from Carrie and Tommy while joining the crowd in roaring laughter. Carrie slams the flowers down and looks at Tommy. "Damn girl that's fucked up, you look like the hunt for red October and shit". Carrie is ultra pissed now. With just the flick of her wrist and sudden motions of her hands she turns the gym into complete chaos, starting a raging fire and killing everyone in sight. Sue is looking at all of this from outside of the locked gym doors. "Fuck that, I didn't see a damn thing." She takes off running as fast as she can.

After committing mass murder of virtually everyone at her school Carrie stops by the BK on the way home to grab a double whopper and some fries, tops it off with some coke from the dealer who works at the drive through, and takes her merry ass home. She enters her house and is immediately met by her mother pointing a gun at her.

"You're covered in blood, what happened to you." Carrie shrugs her shoulders.

"Mom you were right and…I had to merk everyone in that piece."

"Carrie, please stop talking like you're hard, you cried watching The Notebook for Christ's sake."

Carrie frowns. "Because I'm the realest bitch out here mom, remember that."

They hear the sound of police sirens in the distance. Margaret nudges Carrie.

"5-0 is coming, you better bounce on up outta here."

Carrie smiles at her mom and hugs her.

"You're not so bad after all, thanks mom."

Carrie bolts towards the door and escapes into the night.

Margaret confronts the cops with her glock and goes out in a blaze of glory.


End file.
